Changing the Family - Your Part!
Dear Parents:
Over the weekend, I had a call which sadly I receive with a growing frequency. The call was from a family who had a teen home from the program and the family was experiencing serious breakdown. In fact the family was not just heading but had arrived at a return to old patterns and problems. They were seeking assistance and direction. There was precious little I could do at this point other than tell them to put the teen back in the program and for the parents to do the work necessary to shift the dynamics in their home. This is not an answer I wanted to give. It is not one I want to continue to give! This is a long letter and IMPORTANT to read. I felt without a very direct conversation and coaching I would not be supporting your family and be part of continuing to give unwanted answers.
The parents on the call had attended Discovery and 3 Parent-Child seminars. One parent had attended Focus. It is not unusual for one parent to do a seminar and then stop simply because the support to continue and apply the tools is not there within the home. This is a major mistake. This creates a misalignment of purpose and focus and shows up in PC and beyond. The continuing focus of these parents was on the teen’s choices and no focus on their choices. I am certainly not going to take any accountability away from the teen and as parents we must hold everyone in the family to their accountability. What I experienced was a family in breakdown and parents who had not done the work necessary to confront, reinforce and deal with the teen due to their inability to break out of their own patterns. Here where some specific danger signs I encountered with these parents.
- They had not continued through Visions and lacked skills and awareness.
- They had not really completed their value frame together.
- They had a weak support system both in the family and externally.
- They had a life contract but one parent was forcing the teen’s compliance vs. confronting the teen about a lack of integrity.
- There were significant misalignments between the parents regarding how to proceed with the “program.” The attitude was we are “out of the program.”
The problems we are facing are never simply due to the teen’s choices but due to how each of us internally deals with issues and thus the choices we make on how to engage as a parenting unit i.e. the family dynamics. We as parents must be the driving force within the home to create a new dynamic. In working with thousands of families over 30 years, what I know to be true is those parents doing and living the work are successful. This means as the parents we must have the tools, ability and conscious awareness to EFFECTIVELY implement change within the family. The pattern I am seeing more now than any time in the past is to pick and choose what parents feel they should do within the program especially regarding seminars. This is not only unfortunate but deadly regarding creating successful change. Frankly if you are simply in the program for your teen to change and not the entire family, your probability of failure is high. Your teen will need your support and focus upon returning home. Now is the time for you to be building your skills and insights. Your teen is learning and growing and so must you as parents.
The parent program consists of the seminars. The Discovery, Focus, Visions and the Parent Child seminars are an integrated program. They really are one seminar broken into various parts. While I wish the schools would continued to pay for all the seminars in various locations as in the past, the current conditions simply do not allow this but the necessity and impact of the seminars are the same. Yes, the Focus and Visions seminars cost money to attend and our prices are kept significantly below what any other company charges for these 
types of personal development seminars. Yes, the hotel is sometimes less than I typically desire but our driving point is airfare, lodging, transportation and overall cost for the parents. Yes there is travel involved making it more challenging for many. Yes, time is required from work and other venues. Yes, I know the seminars are emotional and painful at times. As the head of Resource Realizations I am sensitive to all these items and work to lessen the impact as part of my commitment to you but most importantly, Yes, I know the value is worth all the work and cost. I have seen the success and failures daily over the last 20+ years of working with the programs.
It is absolutely vital parents look at self in order to become more effective. You are asking your teen to change and you must be engaged in the same process. You did nothing wrong and there are areas you can and must improve upon. No one wants to return to the old patterns. Resource’s purpose is to become an active partner with you so as to create successful life-long change by offering support now and in future even beyond the program. I know a significant element of success for your family upon reuniting is dependent upon you as parent. The following will not only enhance your program but increase your probability of success:
- Attend all seminars IMMEDIATELY. You as the parent must be ahead of your teen at each step of the program. I see the difference with those attending Focus before PC in the level of work and impact. Look at the Visions graduates in any PC, talk to them and they will tell you how much difference the seminars are making in not only with their family but in their entire life. Do not just take my word for it.
- Complete the program. Things are designed to happen at specific stages within the program via the various seminars for both teens and parents. This is one reason to go immediately to seminars and be ahead of your teen. This gives you a greater ability to influence your teen. You cannot to their program and you can definitely influence it by working your program. Your ability to communicate, confront, and support is enhance at each level of the seminars.
- Do Not Wait. I understand the temptation to do so- money, time, travel. Far too often when you delay, we see attendance becomes less likely. Again this impacts your overall program and thus your overall success. I am also experiencing people having to withdraw earlier than graduation for various reasons. You as the parent MUST be gaining all you can as soon as you can. The more you have time to practice and develop your support system before your teen reunites with you, the BETTER OFF YOU ARE!
- Be active; participate in the Resource Support Network(RSN). Most of you have been given the opportunity to do so and very few of you take advantage of the education provided. I am amazed at the lack of participation in the various workshops we hold. These are invaluable! The cost of the RSN is minimal and the value beyond measure for you and your family.
You have made a most difficult choice to place your teen in a program. Your commitment to your teen is evident. I want to acknowledge you for this commitment. I urge you to fully engage in the change process starting now so the entire family succeeds. I and the entire Resource team of facilitators, coaches and support staff are committed to your family being successful.
You can also download this article here!
I look forward to serving You in an upcoming Seminar!
Sincerely,
David Gilcrease
President, Resource Realization